L
lance
Why did the runner quit the race against Bigfoot?
He couldn't face defeet!!
kinda bad lol xD
post some more later
He couldn't face defeet!!
kinda bad lol xD
post some more later
Jokes how many can there be?
- Thread starter frozzenbum
- Start date
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L
lance
ok this one is just too good lol
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.
"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.
"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."
fyreseeker
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children. I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away.'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, ' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!!
And the husband began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ' Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children. I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away.'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, ' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!!
And the husband began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ' Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
L
lance
rofl...
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot ran back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak to the Pizza delivery boy. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to do that, replied the pizza delivery guy. Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack!"
very old joke
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot ran back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak to the Pizza delivery boy. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to do that, replied the pizza delivery guy. Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack!"
very old joke
L
lance
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
ROFL
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
ROFL
L
lance
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
L
lance
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!
fyreseeker
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
fyreseeker
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1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right .
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right .
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
L
lance
Yo mama so fat, I tried to drive round her but I ran out of gas.....
Starchaser
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Where do Martians drink beer ? At a mars bar !
S
sir-vivol
man comes in a bar n ask for a glass of water..
the bar tender pours water in the glas in put it in front of the man
then grabs a shotgun.. points at the man's face pointblank and puts it away.
the man thanks the bartender politely.
what happen here?
the bar tender pours water in the glas in put it in front of the man
then grabs a shotgun.. points at the man's face pointblank and puts it away.
the man thanks the bartender politely.
what happen here?
Code:
a case of the hickupsfyreseeker
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2 peanuts walk down a street
1 ended up in hospital after being a-salted
1 ended up in hospital after being a-salted
fyreseeker
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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner Mom & Pop grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
fyreseeker
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A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were all killed in a plane crash. Out of all the passengers on-board they were the only ones sent to hell.
When they arrived in hell, they found themselves face to face with the Devil.
The Devil, upon seeing them, said "What are you three doing here?", but before any of the startled men could form a coherent answer, the Devil already had turned away from them and seemed to be checking some sort of computer terminal.
Turning back to the men, he said "None of you are supposed to be here yet. That plane crash was a freak accident, although you all belong here, you have arrived before your time. This happens from time to time, the man upstairs likes to have a laugh and surprise me now and then."
The American, being the boldest of the three, spoke up. "So does that mean we get to go back? Do we get a chance to change our ways so that we don't end up back here at the correct time?"
"Maybe." replied the Devil, "If any of you can think of a feat that I cannot accomplish, I shall send you back. You all deserve to be here and I have no problem in accommodating you." He continued with an evil grin. "Unfortunately there are rules that have to be observed in cases like this, so each of you has a chance to get back to the land of the living. Time is eternal here, take as long as you want to think of a feat, and then when you are ready, you may challenge me."
The three men couldn't believe that they may have a chance at not going to hell, and moved off slightly so each of them could think of a feat they felt the devil would not be able to do.
After about three hours the Canadian returned to the Devil. "I am ready to challenge you." he stated.
The Devil smiled. "Go ahead."
In Canada we have very cold winters. My job was to drive a snow plough. My Challenge to you is to clear the snow from every road, pathway, driveway, and back ally, throughout the whole of Canada.
The American and the Mexican were impressed, that was indeed a worthy challenge, but the Devil just smiled and said. "So be it."
For the next three days the sun beat down on Canada with the same ferocity it had in the Sahara desert. Not only melting the snow, but totally evaporating even the faintest trace of it.
The Devil turned back to the Canadian and grabbed the front of his clothes, lifting him off his feet and raising him up until they were at eye level with each other.
"I think I win." Said the Devil. A hole appeared in the floor where the Canadian had been standing not moments before, and the Devil casually dropped the screaming man into it.
A few more hours pass, and then the American decides he will challenge the Devil. "I used to be a wheat farmer. In America we have a lot of wheat fields. I challenge you to to remove every single grain of corn in America. Not only in the fields, but from warehouses, shops, people larders and cupboards. There should not be a single grain of corn left in America."
The Mexican nodded in approval, that truly seemed an impossible act. You could not change the weather as it would not affect the corn in warehouses or in peoples home. You could not send a plague of locusts either for the same reason.
The Devil just smiled again though, and said "So be it."
Instantly all the corn in America was altered at the genetic level and became maize instead.
"I win." said the devil. He clicked his fingers and a hole opened so fast beneath the American he had no hope of escape.
As the whole closed again, so the Mexican stepped forward. "I have a challenge for you."
The Devil looked at him and said. " I hope this isn't related to your country in the same way the other two challenges were, I'm getting bored."
"I'm afraid it is similar, yes." said the Mexican. "In out country the main two things in out diet are cheese and beans."
"I know, so what is your challenge?" asked the Devil.
The Mexican broke wind loudly, and then said "Catch that amigo."
When they arrived in hell, they found themselves face to face with the Devil.
The Devil, upon seeing them, said "What are you three doing here?", but before any of the startled men could form a coherent answer, the Devil already had turned away from them and seemed to be checking some sort of computer terminal.
Turning back to the men, he said "None of you are supposed to be here yet. That plane crash was a freak accident, although you all belong here, you have arrived before your time. This happens from time to time, the man upstairs likes to have a laugh and surprise me now and then."
The American, being the boldest of the three, spoke up. "So does that mean we get to go back? Do we get a chance to change our ways so that we don't end up back here at the correct time?"
"Maybe." replied the Devil, "If any of you can think of a feat that I cannot accomplish, I shall send you back. You all deserve to be here and I have no problem in accommodating you." He continued with an evil grin. "Unfortunately there are rules that have to be observed in cases like this, so each of you has a chance to get back to the land of the living. Time is eternal here, take as long as you want to think of a feat, and then when you are ready, you may challenge me."
The three men couldn't believe that they may have a chance at not going to hell, and moved off slightly so each of them could think of a feat they felt the devil would not be able to do.
After about three hours the Canadian returned to the Devil. "I am ready to challenge you." he stated.
The Devil smiled. "Go ahead."
In Canada we have very cold winters. My job was to drive a snow plough. My Challenge to you is to clear the snow from every road, pathway, driveway, and back ally, throughout the whole of Canada.
The American and the Mexican were impressed, that was indeed a worthy challenge, but the Devil just smiled and said. "So be it."
For the next three days the sun beat down on Canada with the same ferocity it had in the Sahara desert. Not only melting the snow, but totally evaporating even the faintest trace of it.
The Devil turned back to the Canadian and grabbed the front of his clothes, lifting him off his feet and raising him up until they were at eye level with each other.
"I think I win." Said the Devil. A hole appeared in the floor where the Canadian had been standing not moments before, and the Devil casually dropped the screaming man into it.
A few more hours pass, and then the American decides he will challenge the Devil. "I used to be a wheat farmer. In America we have a lot of wheat fields. I challenge you to to remove every single grain of corn in America. Not only in the fields, but from warehouses, shops, people larders and cupboards. There should not be a single grain of corn left in America."
The Mexican nodded in approval, that truly seemed an impossible act. You could not change the weather as it would not affect the corn in warehouses or in peoples home. You could not send a plague of locusts either for the same reason.
The Devil just smiled again though, and said "So be it."
Instantly all the corn in America was altered at the genetic level and became maize instead.
"I win." said the devil. He clicked his fingers and a hole opened so fast beneath the American he had no hope of escape.
As the whole closed again, so the Mexican stepped forward. "I have a challenge for you."
The Devil looked at him and said. " I hope this isn't related to your country in the same way the other two challenges were, I'm getting bored."
"I'm afraid it is similar, yes." said the Mexican. "In out country the main two things in out diet are cheese and beans."
"I know, so what is your challenge?" asked the Devil.
The Mexican broke wind loudly, and then said "Catch that amigo."
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